Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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