I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
