you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
