i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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