if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
