Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
