apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
