last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
bring money and cleavage
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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