I cannot find my penis.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
