She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
