The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
