Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
