Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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