I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
