I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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