Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
