college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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