I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
