Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
