Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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