shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
