so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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