U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
