When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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