forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
