Your dad touched me again.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
