3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
