so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
