i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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