hotel room ftw
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
