Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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