my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
