I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
love makes seman taste better
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
