We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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