I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
