if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
