i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
