listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
