Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
