We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
