I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
