don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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