I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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