i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
