So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
