that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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