I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
