sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
