fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
