also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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