I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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