1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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