I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
